I've hardly been outside my room in days, cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.

You make bounderies you'd never dream to cross

& if you happen to, you wake completely lost.

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So, what do you do when you feel like your entire life is crumbling around you? Scream? Punch the wall? Drink & smoke yourself stupid? Nope. You play Missy Higgins on repeat with your head under the covers & cry. Cry & cry & cry until your body cannot produce anymore tears. Then you stand in the shower & cleanse yourself of all the negativity your body is covered in & attempt to start fresh.

Everytime I eat, I feel sick to my stomach. My chest has not stopped aching for weeks. My body is constantly shaking. During the few times I actually fall asleep, I wake up at random hours of the night gasping for air because I will forget to breathe. I have no idea what is going on with my body. It is frightening. My head is constantly racing. Sometimes so quickly that I cannot even grasp my own throughts. ..How bad is it that I have never been a smoker in my entire life & the past two days I have wanted to do nothing but chain smoke? Yikes.

I do not want to become one of those lost, sad girls without a cause.

No one seems to tell you, cause you're drowning.

Well, it has been approximately one month. One month since I have been able to convince myself to write anything down. Why? A large part of the reason is because I can hardly get myself out of my bed.. but i'm working on it. The other part is because I feel if I put it into words, it becomes real. If I keep what I feel in my head, then it's just in my head, right?

Today I skipped school. I just layed in my bed. Not even sleeping, just laying there, watching the clock.. counting the minutes until class started, knowing I could still get up & make it there on time. My eyes were burning as I evaluated my lifestyle & how it was in desperate need of change. I know I am capable of improving. I've done it before & I can do it again. Especially with the wonderful people I have been so graciously blessed with this year by my side, pushing me to get through this tough spot. I am so very thankful for Jackie, Emma, Maci & Allie. They will never comprehend their importance in my life. Without them, my world would have very easily fallen apart by now. Especially Jackie, who even when I push her away, she has never left my side.

The truth is.. I am just frightened of life.. as a whole. & to be honest, i'm not really sure why. I suppose with my disorder, changing my mind so often has its consequences, & I am just petrified of failure.. & becoming a disapointment.. to anyone really. & I know I disapointed Jackie & Felicia when I didn't show up to school today. I was supposed to be tough this semester, getting up & going to class. It was a horrible feeling, letting them down when they were counting on me. I don't want to be that person anymore. It hurts people I care about, & it hurts me. I'm sick of being like that.

I should not wake up every morning with a general fear of life.

So from here on out, I fully intend to do my very best to work towards having productive days, every day. & doing things to benefit myself, & work on self-improvement. I want to be a better, more comfortable person in the world. I don't want to be so scared & I don't want to fall back behind when I have come such a long way in my healing & progressing.

So, there it is. I took what was in my head, & put it out loud.. which to me, made it real. Hopefully this will help me in my journey to create a better me.