I've hardly been outside my room in days, cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.

You make bounderies you'd never dream to cross

& if you happen to, you wake completely lost.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, what do you do when you feel like your entire life is crumbling around you? Scream? Punch the wall? Drink & smoke yourself stupid? Nope. You play Missy Higgins on repeat with your head under the covers & cry. Cry & cry & cry until your body cannot produce anymore tears. Then you stand in the shower & cleanse yourself of all the negativity your body is covered in & attempt to start fresh.

Everytime I eat, I feel sick to my stomach. My chest has not stopped aching for weeks. My body is constantly shaking. During the few times I actually fall asleep, I wake up at random hours of the night gasping for air because I will forget to breathe. I have no idea what is going on with my body. It is frightening. My head is constantly racing. Sometimes so quickly that I cannot even grasp my own throughts. ..How bad is it that I have never been a smoker in my entire life & the past two days I have wanted to do nothing but chain smoke? Yikes.

I do not want to become one of those lost, sad girls without a cause.

No one seems to tell you, cause you're drowning.

Well, it has been approximately one month. One month since I have been able to convince myself to write anything down. Why? A large part of the reason is because I can hardly get myself out of my bed.. but i'm working on it. The other part is because I feel if I put it into words, it becomes real. If I keep what I feel in my head, then it's just in my head, right?

Today I skipped school. I just layed in my bed. Not even sleeping, just laying there, watching the clock.. counting the minutes until class started, knowing I could still get up & make it there on time. My eyes were burning as I evaluated my lifestyle & how it was in desperate need of change. I know I am capable of improving. I've done it before & I can do it again. Especially with the wonderful people I have been so graciously blessed with this year by my side, pushing me to get through this tough spot. I am so very thankful for Jackie, Emma, Maci & Allie. They will never comprehend their importance in my life. Without them, my world would have very easily fallen apart by now. Especially Jackie, who even when I push her away, she has never left my side.

The truth is.. I am just frightened of life.. as a whole. & to be honest, i'm not really sure why. I suppose with my disorder, changing my mind so often has its consequences, & I am just petrified of failure.. & becoming a disapointment.. to anyone really. & I know I disapointed Jackie & Felicia when I didn't show up to school today. I was supposed to be tough this semester, getting up & going to class. It was a horrible feeling, letting them down when they were counting on me. I don't want to be that person anymore. It hurts people I care about, & it hurts me. I'm sick of being like that.

I should not wake up every morning with a general fear of life.

So from here on out, I fully intend to do my very best to work towards having productive days, every day. & doing things to benefit myself, & work on self-improvement. I want to be a better, more comfortable person in the world. I don't want to be so scared & I don't want to fall back behind when I have come such a long way in my healing & progressing.

So, there it is. I took what was in my head, & put it out loud.. which to me, made it real. Hopefully this will help me in my journey to create a better me.

I cannot fall in love// I'll never fall in love// I cannot fall in love..

I hate that I love you.
I loathe that I love you.
I despise that I love you.
with every fiber of my being.

I can only hope to never love again. Ever.
It's just some kind of painful game, right? Men are a joke anyways. I don't date. I will never date, ever again. I am actually perfectly content with spending my life alone. Letting another person in, is a sick & twisted idea. Eating chinese from the box & adopting an asian child is the life for me. Relationships take up too much time & energy anyways. I have too many things I want to do. I cannot let a single individual hold me back. What people see in love, confuses me. Sorry if that sounds selfish.

dkfjhgksdfjhgkfdsghfldg dkfghdfkghdgf

happy chanukah.

Brand New Horizon

It's like I suddenly wake up happy in the morning. Or, happier at least. For once I am content with where I am. Plainfield? Yeah, weird, I know. Who woulda thought. Thank God for Jackie, Emma, Maci & Allie. My Back Bones. So I officially start school on January 3rd. YIKES is all I have to say about that. I'm looking foward to two of my classes. Both of which are sociology. Intro to Soc. & Sex, Gender & Power. Both of which will be awesome. The second is going to be hard, though. My professor Dr. Falahi is hardcore. But they will at least be enjoyable. Theatre will be simple & math will be the death of me.. It should be a long semester. I have class 5 days a week. I chose this, because I know if I don't take math every day I will fail but still.. ughhhh. At least Jax & Ems will both be there with me.




Sweeet, so I guess I get free counseling through my moms work so I don't have to pay for a psychiatrist! Ballinnnn. Even though, I am super skeptical about this. Talking to people weirds me out. Especially people I don't know.. Especially especially while sitting on leather couches. I'd rather sit on a cushen on the floor, thanks. I should make a special request. They think i'm crazy anyways, since i'm there, right? It shouldn't bother them.



Oooh awesome video break:

LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Okay, I suddenly lost all interest in writing/venting sooo sorry this is short & lame & that I haven't updated in a while.. New post soon, promise!

ughh stressss

First & foremost, I would just like to throw it out there that I am absolutely in love with my friends. They make my so happy. Uhh, yes those are fishy faces.. back off judgers. I love us. This picture is so great. Hiiii Allie, Emma & Maci, if you are reading thissss. Pure love.

“Even though we've changed & we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.” =]

So, I created this Skype account apon my campers request so I could video chat with them & I don't really know how to use it except for how to accept their requests to video with me. Recently all these random people started to like phone call me through the program & instant messege me.. which I did not even know was possible. So the other day I realized I my skype icon had this little red flag waving on it so I clicked on it & it said I had all these "missed events". Curious, I clicked on it & it said I had all these missed calls from this person I don't know. I obviously kept ignoring his calls.. you know, internet preditors are not really my thing.. Well this guy (yes, eventually I found out the mystery person is a guy) lives in Syria which might I add puts him 15 hours behind us which means he is sitting on his computer in the wee hours of the morning searching for random people to talk to.. creepy much? I'd say so. Anyways, he won't leave me alone now & he keeps asking me all these ridiculous questions & keeps asking over & over why I won't be his friend because he wants new friends.. like, what? Awk. Time out, another Syrian just messeged me & asked if I liked sex on web. whaaaaaat? I cannot deal with this nonsense.


So Thanksgiving was pretty dece, i'd say. We had about 30 people at our house & approximately enough food to feed the entire country. We will have leftovers for weeks. To be honest, I cannot deal with the fact that this could quite possibly be my aunts very last Thanksgiving. Yesterday was very hard on I think just about everyone. I have never had to deal with death before & terminal cancer has not been easy on any of us, but she's been so tough. I actually do not think I can even bring myself to speaking anymore of this sooooo..


Ugh so annoying. I sub for everyyyyone at work when they need me, even last minute yet no one is willing to sub for me anytime I need them even when I ask in advance. I really want to go to my brother & sisters choir benefit performance tomorrow to raise money for their trip to NYC to sing at Avery Fischer Hall.. but of course, not a single caring soul in sight.. nice. hmph.

dfghjkdfhgkdhgkdfgh stressssss. I don't know what else to write. The one thing I want to write about I haven't decided if I want to put on here yet, so i'm going to ponder it for a bit & come back.. I had a really good peppermint mocha twist today, though. YUM.

kbye.

It was accidental, I swear.

If I could, I would shrink myself

sink through your skin to your blood cells

remove whatever makes you hurt

but I am too weak to be your cure.

Apparently I increased my medication too quickly because I basically overdosed today. Nice going. It was an honest mistake, really. I didn't even notice anything was wrong until I got to work & realized that I was so dizzy I could hardly stand. It was such an odd experience. Lucky, it being the eve of Thanksgiving, only one child showed up for two of my classes & no one showed up for my last one so I got to come home early. I still feel so out of it. My head is pounding. I don't like this feeling at all.

So, one of my neighbors asked me to dog sit for her over the holidays. I went over there to feed him tonight & there on the kitchen island layed a sheet of paper with very specific instructions on how to feed the dog.. as if it's such a hard task? She pours chicken broth (heated chicken broth, to be exact) over the dry dog food before serving it. How odd. I found this perculiar & thought I should share it.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving & I am so excited for mashed potatoes & green olives. Everyone finds it strange that I am looking foward to green olives but I mean.. they are wonderful, especially WITH mashed potatoes. I would be blogging about food. hmph.

I LOVE ALLISON GAVERT. Hang in there, girl. you're stronger than you know.
kbye.

Happy pills

"I said goodbye to someone that I love

It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us
& it was hard

Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy."

Today has been extra anxiety-filled. Culprate; unidentifiable. My hands have been shaking & especially numb. I don't appreciate it much. I am enjoying the cold weather, though. I am waiting for the snow.. I'm sure it will make me happy. My sister is home for the holiday & it has been, well decent so far. Except she is already planning her trip to the hair salon to copy my newest hairstyle. Typical. I am not thrilled about this. In fact, I am pretty aggrevated by it, but I will remain silent. This is shorter than I anticipated but I am going to watch Elf! [thismakesmeveryhappy!] If I can't sleep afterwards, there will be more venting.. as if anyone reads this thing? Right.. kbye